October: A month of learning, a month of horrors

The library has always seemed to be a place of refuge for me, a place that heals and inspires me, and a place I can revisit old experiences with family. In September 2018, before I made my journey to Madrid, my mother and I went together to the Orange County library in Ohio. An old movie I hadn’t seen in years caught my eye. It was “The King and I,” and it had been brought forth to the DVD display shelf as a staff favorite. How appropriate would it be, I felt, to revisit a movie that my parents and I had seen the live musical for, when I was a child? How fitting was it, to watch a movie about a young woman who goes abroad to teach English, albeit to the King of Siam and his royal family?

While watching the film, I was filled with positivity and optimism that I had made the right choice to teach English abroad. I particularly enjoyed revisiting favorites such as “I Whistle a Happy Tune,” and “Getting to Know You.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlx6gQWfjp0

I was under no delusion that I would as perfect a teacher of course as Anna, who was a professionally trained school teacher and a mother besides. I was a heroine of my own life perhaps, but not the lead character in a musical. Still, her attempts to teach the children, while also learning from them about their life and culture, moved me. I hoped that I could experience a fraction of what was presented in the song above.

As it turns out, I did. Although October continued to be a “month of horrors” (read my post “A Year Ends. A New One Begins.” if you would like to learn more), my school life was a beautiful light for me. It convinced me that in spite of all the chaos and mishaps that transpired as I created a new life in Madrid, that I made the right decision in sticking out and wanting to see this thing through. I would not leave, because I truly wanted to see my capabilities as an auxiliar. I wanted to show students my particular perspective and experience of the United States. In fact, at one of my schools, (I work at two), I mentioned this to my Head of English Department. I told him that at first I felt that all my mishaps had felt like a sign that I should leave. He replied very kindly and very warmly on my first day with them, that “Maybe we are a reason that you should stay.” I agreed heartily. I was welcomed very kindly by both my schools, and my staff and coworkers were all friendly and agreeable. My heart thumped with excitement. This is what I came here for. I still did not have a place to live, which concerned me (I would find one a week later in either event), but for now, I wanted to focus on what was here in front of me. I wanted to focus on the radiant light and warmth I felt at the schools, between the staff, and the students.

That said, starting out as an auxiliar was quite the learning experience. I was awkward, unsure of how much to speak or not speak, what exactly I should be doing in class. Luckily my bilingual coordinator at my first school (IES Madrid Sur), suggested that all the auxiliars should create an introduction powerpoint about ourselves and where we came from. That presentation became my godsend, my lifeboat. Immediately I had something I could use with the class. It was what I recognize and look back on fondly as my first positive failure. It was to be expected, as it was something completely new for me. The English was too complex, and at first I mostly “talked at” the students, and only saved time to interact for the end of each section. Half the time I didn’t make it through the entire presentation, because I misjudged the student’s English level. I kept adjusting and making a new version of that introduction again and again, to simplify the language and allow for more interaction.

Throughout the first week, I continued to fail. I attempted to invent a game, which I later realized was a poorly planned out version of “Taboo.” The game was a miserable failure and we ended up having to show clips of different movies so that we could interact with the theme of movie genres in a different way. I felt I had failed the teacher and the students in that class, and questioned my place there. Perhaps the school would have been better off with a different teaching assistant. I shared my failed experiment with another teacher on our way to the cafe, for our coordination break. He laughed and told him this always happens, and that even now as a tenured teacher, he still encountered situations such as this. The important thing is to learn from the experience, to be flexible, and to have back up plans. I was extremely grateful for his amused and forgiving attitude.

Before I came to work in Madrid, I think I had somewhat idealized how things would be, and did not allow for a learning and failing experience. I thought that as a working professional who had lived independently for years, that I would somehow have “an edge” in finding housing. However, it ended up being a detriment. I was used to taking my time to analyze, to weigh the pros and cons of different living spaces, to legitimate building owners, and to being able to find housing at any time of the year. Finding housing in Spain on the other hand was a quite chaotic and convoluted process. I didn’t realize that I was expected to immediately shift and drop my schedule to suit the landlord’s needs. Often I would get a call to meet with them within the hour, and it had to be that very hour and that very day. If not, I would lose the opportunity, and the apartment would go to someone who had acted more promptly. I didn’t realize that I would have to immediately know upon viewing the apartment whether I would want to live there or not. I was used to thinking things through rationally. I did have an impulsive side to my personality as well, but that side of me usually made poor judgments, particularly regarding roommate situations.

I also idealized how if I just worked hard enough and came with the right attitude, I would be a great auxiliar. In reality, I would have to make many mistakes and it would take me some time to adjust to my student’s levels, to learn how to interact with them, and for how much time. It was hard not to compare myself to other auxiliars, who “seemed” to have it all together. They had a place ready for them to move into before they even landed in Madrid. They had prior teaching experience and knew how to create a presentation at the appropriate level. In the meanwhile, I felt like I was struggling to keep my head above the water. The entire month I struggled to get the empadronamiento I needed to get my fingerprints taken for the TIE, and I fretted that the entire experience would be brought to an untimely end if I didn’t get the problem resolved immediately. I didn’t realize the people I was living with didn’t have any proof of residency (rent, bills, etc) for the prior month. The woman who was providing me with the documents was exasperated that what she provided me was not enough, and it was harder for me to express and figure out in Spanish what was needed. To navigate through paperwork, bureaucracy, and legalities is already quite difficult in your native language and country. It was much harder to navigate in Spain, although I fortunately had made some friends early on who helped me through this process. It took quite a while to book an appointment, and when I failed, to book another. I desperately needed a Spanish phone number (I managed to get one within my first couple of weeks), and a Spanish bank account. I wanted so badly to hit the ground running and succeed in my new job, but all these other concerns seemed to weigh me down. I didn’t feel like I was starting at my optimal level. It did not help that things in the United States were not going well either, and I felt powerless to help my friends and family through certain situations.

Somehow amidst the chaos and the horrors, I managed to breathe. I managed to find spaces where I could make friends and enjoy myself, and of course, my favorite holiday of all, Halloween. I had some misses with some of my planned activities--but I also had really great hits. My students loved the Desert Island activity I created, so much so that I decided to bring that same activity to my other school in another class. I created a “build your own monster” activity at the appropriate level for my ESO class. I was slowing gaining confidence in my creativity, my fast thinking, and my ability to create level appropriate games and activities. It was the month I realized that I had many struggles and difficulties, but in the end, it would all work itself out. It would all be okay. It was all something I would learn and grow through, over the month and the course of the school year.